gonqmotivation

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

FOUND ON CRAIG'S LIST

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

PROOFREADING IS A DYING ART WOULDN'T YOU SAY

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says"
      No kidding, really? Ya think?
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"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
       Now that's taking things a bit far!
  -----------------------------------------------------------
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
       What a guy!
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"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
The-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
  ----------------------------------------------------------
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
I can see where it might have that effect!
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"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"
   Ya think?!
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"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
      Who would have thought!
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"Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
They may be on to something!
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"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
  ----------------------------------------------------------
"Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge"
     He probably IS the battery charge!
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"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
Weren't they fat enough?!
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"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
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"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
       Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
" Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
       Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"

     Did I read that right?

GUTS OR BALLS???
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
'You're next, Baby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND 2008:

JOHN O'REILY HOISTED HIS BEER AND SAID, "HERE'S TO SPENDING THE REST OF ME LIFE, BETWEEN THE LEGS OF ME WIFE!"

THAT WON HIM THE TOP PRIZE FOR THE BEST TOAST OF THE NIGHT!

HE WENT HOME AND TOLD HIS WIFE, MARY, "I WON THE PRIZE FOR THE BEST TOAST OF THE NIGHT."

SHE SAID, "AYE, DID YE NOW. AND WHAT WAS YOUR TOAST?'

JOHN SAID, "HERE'S TO SPENDING THE REST OF ME LIFE, SITTING IN CHURCH BESIDE ME WIFE."

"OH, HTAT IS VERY NICE INDEED, JOHN" MARY SAID.

THE NEXT DAY, MARY RAN INTO ONE OF JOHN'S DRINKING BUDDIES ON THE STREET CORNER.

THE MAN CHUCKLED LEERINGLY AND SAID, "JOHN WON THE PRIZE THE OTHER NIGHT AT THE PUB WITH A TOAST ABOUT YOU, MARY."

SHE SAID, "AYE, HE TOLD ME, AND I WAS A BIT SURPRISED MESELF. YOU KNOW, HE'S ONLY BEEN THERE TWICE IN THE LAST FOUR YEARS. ONCE HE FELL ASLEEP AND THE OTHER TIME I HAD TO PULL HIM BY THE EARS TO MAKE HIM COME.:

COLLEGE RESIDENCE

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued:

"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired...

"How much for a season pass?"